Posted 3:25 PM by Scoobie Davis

What a Wuss: An Open Letter to Bill O’Reilly

Dear Mr. O’Reilly,

I'm disappointed with you and your radio factor staff, but let me preface my criticisms by saying that I have a great deal of respect for you. In fact, you’re my favorite working-class millionaire son of an accountant who grew up in the suburbs. Like you, I enjoyed reading Jim Bouton’s Ball Four--though, unlike you, I wouldn’t list it as one of my top books.

Now here’s my beef: on your radio factor, you talk about it being your “no-spin zone” (today you said that George W. Bush—unlike Bill Clinton--was “honest and decent”) that is a forum for discussing relevant topics. You also complain when people like Al Gore and Hillary Clinton turn down interviews with you. Plus, you weren't content with just whining about it, you had an absurd mock interview in which you stumped Hillary Clinton with some lame questions in your book, The No-Spin Zone.

Yesterday and today, I have called your show and was able to get to your screener four times (twice yesterday and twice today) to discuss relevant matters. On all occasions, I was shut out and disconnected by your screeners. Something your screener said today, along with some other information I have received, leads me to believe that I’m listed as a troublemaker by your show. Yesterday, I explained my topic with the screener (giving a different name both times); each time, the screener put me on hold and then disconnected my call when I was on hold. I called today and was disconnected by a female screener who needs to go to charm school. I called back and asked why I was disconnected. She informed me that this was my fourth call to the program. This led me to believe that the screeners have Caller ID and were able to see that I was the one calling each time from my business partner’s place.

Okay, your screeners don’t want me to talk with you on the air. That’s fine with me, but please don’t whine about people not wanting to be interviewed by you. However, don’t think that I won’t get past your screeners if I want to. I’m an expert at bypassing security. In fact, your former show Inside Edition interviewed me for getting past two massive police checkpoints and to the red carpet at the Oscars (FYI, I spoke to a couple Inside Edition people who worked there when you were host; they said you were a dick). So getting past Miss Congeniality and the other screeners will be easy for me. So why not make it easier for us all and let me speak my mind on your show when I call? Having me on would be a change of pace from the typical lame talk radio caller.

Sincerely,

Scoobie