by Scoobie Davis
Will It Make The latest DSM?
I have a couple quirks that concern me. One is that I love crappy songs from the 70's and 80s [see addendum]. However, I think I have it under control because I draw the line at "Don't Worry, Be Happy." I'm also a Chick tract fanatic (though not for the reasons Chick intends). Another quirk is that sometimes after I say something, I realize that I had unwittingly paraphrased something from an episode of The Simpsons. (Maybe I can ask Dr. Krauthammer about whether this is a mental illness; I plan to take a trip to Washington and spin him around in his wheelchair until he throws up if he makes any more armchair diagnoses of Democratic presidential candidates).
The most recent occurrence of this phenomenon was when I got back to the LA Greyhound bus station late at night after a trip to San Diego. The Greyhound bus station is by skid row so it?s best to take a cab. Plenty of regular cabs were there--plus some gypsy cabs (they were the only way to get around during the transit strike). I was approached by a gypsy cab driver who asked me if I needed a ride. I responded, "You are fully licensed and bonded by the city of Los Angeles, aren't you?" Right then, I realized I has paraphrased Bart from the ?Mr. Plow? episode.
Another noteworthy occurrence involved a former roommate who had been a problem drinker (not The Autonomist; he doesn't drink). He quit drinking and was working out. I helped out by making massive amounts of juice in my top-of-the-line juicer. However, as his body was detoxifying, his pores released toxic sweat that got unbearable--especially when he worked out. One day he smelled like a cross between skunk and vinaigrette. I wanted to use tact and kindness so I told him the following: "Dude, that is so nasty! You are totally funking up the place with that evil sweat! You ought to go to a doctor because that kind of smell shouldn't come from a human being!" After I said this, I realized that I had paraphrased Carl from the ?And Maggie Makes Three? episode. Am I the only one who does this?
Addendum: Crappy songs I love: Paper Lace's "The Night Chicago Died," Charlene's "I've Never Been to Me," Rupert Holmes' "Answering Machine" (if you thought Holmes' Pina Colada song was bad...), "Seasons in the Sun" by Terry Jacks, "Afternoon Delight" by The Starland Vocal Band, "Africa" by Toto, "My Girl, Bill" by Jim Stafford, Three Dog Night's "Black and White," Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods' "Billy, Don't Be a Hero," and Mary Wilson's "Telephone Man."