Posted 7:54 AM by Scoobie Davis

An Open Letter to Genevieve Wood of the Heritage Foundation

Dear Ms. Wood,

I saw you on the PBS public affairs panel show To the Contrary the other day. The topic of discussion was drug testing of welfare recipients. You defended the practice by pointing out that your employer, the Heritage Foundation, had required you to take a drug test as a precondition of employment.

When I heard this, I thought, “What the fuck is the deal with that?!” I mean, did some Heritage Foundation lackey actually stand over you and watch you piss in a jar? That’s really kinky (albeit an unerotic, creepy type of kink).

However, the issues run deeper. Why would a phony think tank that exists for the sole purpose of producing pseudo-scholarly position papers that support right-wing talking points (see postscript) need to have its gravy train riders drug-free? Rush Limbaugh was able to competently deliver wing-nut boilerplate even though he was taking enough hillbilly heroin to keep the entire state of Kentucky stoned to the bone. Providing phony research for the hard right must be the easiest gig on God’s green earth. For fuck’s sake, it’s petty for Heritage to deny its operatives an opportunity to take the edge off their feelings of existential angst when they’re cooking the data to argue that the tax code has given the top one percent of income earners a raw deal over the past 30 years.

Also, when I watched you on TV, you seemed to be wound up way too tight. You could use some weed. Do a few bong hits, loosen the corset, unclench your sphincter muscles, and pop in a Harold and Kumar DVD. You’ll feel better.

Sincerely,

S


Postscript: Candid Statement about the Heritage Foundation’s Real Agenda by Burton Pines, Vice President for Research for the Heritage Foundation: “We’re not here to be some kind of Ph. D. committee giving equal time. Our role is to provide conservative policy-makers with arguments to bolster our side.”